Selfishly Single?

I’ve been gone for a minute, living and enjoying life, but I’m back…. With a gem of a blog if I say so myself.

Lately, I’m seeing more and more memes, as well as Facebook and Instagram posts that seem to be geared toward making women who are of a certain age, and not yet married, or at least in a committed relationship feel as if they should be taken to the back of an empty shed, to be euthanized like a once prized racehorse with 2 broken legs, because they are of no service to ANYONE including themselves.

For a second, as an almost 50-year-old single woman myself, (Though I’ve been out and about dating, and getting to know different people) I was about to be slightly offended by the memes and relentless posts, but then I came across this jewel which I’m sure was another post with the intent to once again, make women feel bad for not being hopelessly tied to ONE person.

And it CLICKED!!!! I AIN’t shit right now!!!! 

You see, I’ve been a mother since I was 18 years old… My children are coming up on 30, 29, 26, and 24 this year. I raised my first grand-baby from birth through kindergarten. I’ve also been married twice, with 1 long term relationship in between the 2 times I traded nuptials. At least 30 years of my life has been dedicated to catering to and being accountable for the needs of others. Not to mention that I have 2 younger brothers for whom I was basically the primary care giver as my mother worked outside of the home.  For years I’ve been unable to merely use the bathroom and wipe my ASS without letting someone know my plans. My grandbaby even a few years ago would pull the shower curtain back when I was in it, like Norman Bates in a scene straight out of the movie “Psycho”, just to ask me “nana, what you doing?”.  I’ve been a booster mom for both band and football teams. Team mom for recreational age cheer-leading and football, t-ball, and baseball. I’ve gone to bed still hungry because others thought my food seemed tastier than theirs, though we all had the same thing on our plates (the children AND the men). I’ve assisted with more homework, kissed more “boo-boos”, told more bedtime stories, been the tooth fairy, a doctor, a lawyer, a mediator, a financial consultant, a therapist, a shoulder, an entertainer, a character out of a book or movie. I’ve role played (with the husbands to keep them interested), been a stripper… for them lol. I’ve prayed, fasted, lay on the altar, spent countless amounts of dollars on copays, and medicines, and so many other things that my children needed. Because there are 4 of them, it wasn’t always easy. I know, I know, you’ll say that’s what I signed up for when I gave birth. And you’re ABSOLUTELY correct!!! I have not ONE complaint nor regret, if I could do it all over again, I would.

But guess what… I DON’T HAVE TO, ‘CAUSE I’M SINGLE AF!!!!!

There is something oh so DELIGHTFUL about being a single woman, being taken out on dates, enjoying my freedom, not having to answer to anyone. Coming and going as I please. Some nights I turn my ringer off when I’m home. I have days when I veg out in front of my t.v, eating pizza, binge-watching something that I’m sure no MAN would be interested in. My hands in my pants in an “Al Bundy” kinda way. Drinking wine from the bottle, burping, dropping popcorn between the couch pillows and on to the floor. Some weekends, I don’t leave the house at all, and I don’t shower. If I brush my teeth during those 2 days, it’s because I’ve eaten so many onions that I’ve started to offend my own nose. My feet, hands, and elbows so ashy, that if I were to fall, I’d shred my carpet up from the roughness.  

I actually at times wonder if I’m ever going to want to be in a monogamous relationship again. Don’t get me wrong, I see older women donning wedding bands sometimes, sporting the ever unavoidable “I’m Married” mushroom bob. lol. You know the one, that says she predictably sits in a salon chair that she’s been going to for the last 45 plus years, and her stylist is just as old as she is, and still uses sponge rollers to set her hair with lotta body wrap solution, before setting her under the hairdryer, on Saturday mornings, as hubby works in the yard of the home they’ve shared since the first child was born. You know they take annual trips, probably have “sexy time” once a year. The family comes over on Sunday, cause she cooks her ASS off, and Mr. always gets his plate first and sits at the head of the table. And for a small moment in time, I flash back to what my life COULD have been like if I had just “hung in there”.

And just when it seems like this is what life should be like, I get a “WYD”, Or an “I’m just checking to see where you at, and what you up to” text. Or, “why haven’t I heard from you all day?” or “Can I see you?”.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but checking in has become so bothersome to me. And the men my age are getting needier and needier.

.

Funny thing is; I remember when I first moved into my apartment, as a single woman about 3 years ago. I would have anxiety attacks. I didn’t know why. I would be driving down the street, and all of a sudden, it would feel as if the air was being sucked from my lungs, my chest would tighten, and I’d feel lost before the tears began to fall. It took me a minute to realize that for the first time in my life, I had no one to really be accountable to. That if something happened to me in my apartment, it would probably be at least a day and a half before someone realized it. Though I still spoke to my kids regularly, it wasn’t daily.  Can’t really say when this way of thinking and feeling “alone” changed for me. All I know is one day, I was doing something I hadn’t EVER been able to do. I was 45 and had NEVER in my life stood in a kitchen, naked, dancing, drinking wine, and cooking dinner. I was at home, NAKED, in the kitchen. Something that seems so small to many I’m sure, was an “ah HA” moment for me.

I realized how GROWN I am!! And most importantly of all…. How SINGLE I am, for the first time! Thus birthing the “Ain’t Shit” monster who is “I” today.

And I’m probably going to be in this phase of life for a while. I plan to start a “women who ain’t shit” club. I’m going to get a few t-shirts and coffee mugs made. I’m sure there is an entire culture of “Ain’t shit” women out there, who are enjoying this time of finding and loving on themselves. Not to be shun by our married peers. A group of women who have decided to not let this world tell them what their relationship status SHOULD be. Not settling for less, just to say they have a man, or because big momma and the “aunties” corner them at every family function, questioning when they are going to meet a good man, and settle down. A group of women who can go from vegging out home alone on their couch, to rocking the baddest pair of heels, and the shortest dress, with hair, make up, and perfume on point!! Who can dance the night away, in a swanky club, pulling as many men as her heart desires, and come home alone to once again enjoy her peace and quiet.

So, Here I am. Single, Enjoying every moment, and wondering am I “Selfishly Single?”. Should I be in a hurry to get no where with someone I don’t care about, for the benefit of being able to say “I’m taken”? Or should I keep enjoying all of this ME time, falling more dangerously in love with Kita Redd daily? Should I stop enjoying being taken out on dates, as long as I make it clear that right now I’m not looking for anything serious? Or should I pretend that I like someone more than I actually do, in order to spare their feelings? Am I missing out on something by not tying my “happiness” to another human being? “Happy” is such an ambiguous word. What may look like complete and utter joy to some, can be like dying a slow miserable death to others.

Nahhhhh, I thinK for now, I’m going to enjoy being Single, whether selfish or not. I think I owe happiness to myself, and right now I…AM…HAPPY!!!

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