Y’all know I love all things Astrology… This is a great read!!!
You are an Immortal who walks along the Razor’s Edge of Spirt, the pathway known as Dharma-Karma. All your Yesterdays and all your Tomorrows too, all of them meet here in this Fulcrum of Fulfillment…
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I’ve noticed her from a far, stood and admired her. Her beauty, the way she totally captivates others with her wit, charm, personality, and conversation. How she can make people laugh until their stomachs hurt, and they’re begging her to “please stop, because OMG, you are something else and and you’re gonna make me choke to death as I pee on myself, laughing at your CRAZY ass!! You seriously missed your calling to be a comedian”!
I’ve always loved her style of dress. She seems to pull off a classy look but with a sex appeal that is uniquely her own, she doesn’t see it, but she’s often compared to Phylicia Rashad, with good reason. I see the way she blushes when people tell her that, though she laughs it off and says “I guess”. She loves skirts and dresses, and heels. I think it’s because as a kid she watched a lot of classic movies with the ladies who were dainty, damsels in distress, always getting the guy in the end, as he’d run and profess his love with a kiss dipping the damsel, her perfect coif/updo staying in place, perfect fitting sweater or blouse, tucked neatly into a form fitted pencil skirt, black heels (we assume they were black, as the movies were all black and white…DAMN we are old). Though she’s curvy, she is never too revealing in her choice of attire, and everything fits in all the right places. Her hair, OH MY, that natural mane of hers. She’s always been blessed with thick hair, and now that she wears it curly, it is something to behold. Even when she went through a “phase” and cut it, it was still just as beautiful as her.
Her smile, when she smiles the world feels like a better place to those who are privy to it. I hate that she covers her mouth when she smiles big, or lets out a guttural laugh. She’s so insecure about her smile. But I’ve seen and heard so many people tell her that’s what they love most about her. Why doesn’t she see it?
This woman loves to dance, I’ve seen her dance to almost every genre of music there is, and she ENJOYS the beat. The movement, whether fast or slow, is evidence of the way she FEELS everything. She dances like no one is watching at every opportunity. Be it at home, in a grocery store, in a club, in church (ha, she claps to the beat of the band and choir, with pure JOY), with her grand kids, at work, in the car, on the train. She doesn’t care. She closes her eyes, let’s the music grab her soul, and 2 step it out wherever it feels good.
I love how she loves love. BOY does she love love. For no other reason than it feels good to be there, and to witness it in others. Something about it gives her a satisfaction that you can see all over her. When her friends find it, she’s happy, the times she thought she had it, she was happy, when she watches love stories on t.v, or read about it, she’s happy.
GOD SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME…
But still, she never notices me. I love her so much. But she’s always so busy trying to make everyone else happy. Trying to please others. Entertaining people who could never see, take care of her, hold her, submit to her, understand her, LOVE her, the way I could.
So I wait, I have the Patience, I watch her, I’m always there to catch her if she falls.
One day she’ll notice me, and fall just as hard for me, as I have for HER!!! And we’ll live happily ever after, after all, she’s my soul mate.
I used to think you were fly, used to think you were fun. My silly ass thought you were the one.
I Used to think you were everything, sent from Heaven above, that’s because my silly ass thought I was in love.
I used to think “this has to be him” and that you had so much to give, my silly ass used to think that without you I couldn’t live.
Thought you were a king, thought you were the man, you had my silly ass in the palm of your hands.
Silly of me to love you so hard, silly of me to let down my guard.
But the good thing about being silly is even when you fall on your ass, you snicker, you giggle, but you always have the last laugh.
I was hesitant to share this, as I thought “what a silly poem“, I was confused, I was scared, I was unsure, I was torn.
But then who knows, maybe out there in the world, someone else will read this and refuse to be that silly girl!!
As a black woman, I’m expected to be pretty, not just pretty but flawlessly so. Lest someone better come along and take my man.
The same man who I bore children for, the same man whom I keep a clean house for, the same man who I cook for, the same man who I uplift when the world crushes him or kills him in the street, the same man who I March and protest for, the same man who I sex passionately so that he’ll feel the love I have for him resonate from my soul to his. The same man who calls me a “bitch” then tells me he didn’t mean it, the same man who expects me to forgive his many indiscretions, yet calls me a whore and walks out on me for the one time I flirt with someone who gives me the attention that I am starved for because the black man I’m with no longer looks at me in “that” way.
The same black man who I make doctors appointments for and look after his health more than he does, or more than I look after my own…. The one I call “daddy” to stroke his ego so he’ll know he’s the head of the household even though my pay far exceeds what he brings in and I’m the one who keeps the house running smoothly, but God forbid he doesn’t feel like a king, he’ll go find someone who makes him feel like one. But if I call myself a “Queen” I’m undermining all that the black man is.
The same black man who circulates memes that belittle black women, but if I cheer for a black man like Derrick Jaxson then I’m deemed an angry black woman, whose past has her jaded and I’m blackballed by his peers. And I BEST not make a post about being lonely, or asking a dating question on any social media outlet because if I do it more than once, I’m getting on the black man’s nerves with all that!!!!
The same black man who expects me to keep his house running like a well-oiled machine, but how dare I want to be a housewife (bitch better have my money). The same black man who tells me I don’t love him if I don’t sex him without a condom (after all, we’ve been sleeping together for 6 months… TUH) but leaves me when he finds out I’m 3 months pregnant, but talks shit about me when I get married to someone else when HIS kid is now 3 years old and he’s only seen him 5 times, including that one time in child support court, as his family was telling me I ain’t shit for asking for money putting the “white man” in our business.
The same black man my friends warned me about, but I made excuses for over and over. “Naw girl, he had a tough childhood and just need a little TLC. You’ll see, he’s a good man deep down, I can nurse him back to health“. And when I do, he takes his healthy ass to another woman.
The same black man who has damaged countless black women, but when he’s finally ready to settle down, looks for a black woman who’s never been hurt and not damaged.
The same black man who, if I challenge anything he does wrong to me, turns around and brings up my ENTIRE past via PowerPoint, with bullets points, pictures, timestamps, dates, and a well-edited voice over. Never taking accountability for his actions
This isn’t meant to be a rant blog. But as black women we are often made to compete and go harder in the workplace to prove our worth, so we don’t want to have to do that in our romantic lives. I am looked at oddly for wearing my natural hair in the workplace, I want my man to appreciate it, and not make me feel it needs to be bone straight for him to find me sexy.
For once, I’d like to be told: “I, as a black man understand it must be hard to be a black woman, and I got your back”. “I see your hustle, I’ve heard your cries, I know raising kids alone was hard on you, but I’m here”. “I get that you’re aging, and things are changing on your body, and the insecurities take a toll from time to time, but I STILL think you’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen”. “I see you are working on a better you, and I’m 100 percent behind you, motivating you”!! Instead of “I know you have to work, see about the kids, make sure I’m good, cook, clean up, take crap from your boss, compare yourself to plastic women, sex me on demand and a bunch of other stuff, but can’t you at least TRY to keep your size 6 figure flawlessly in shape?!!!
Recently, a friend of mine was in a hit and run car accident leaving work. He was minding his business, going about his day, headed home to his family, excited about the work day ending, getting to the house having a glass of wine and dinner with the wife, catching a little T.V to wind down from the day’s work. Playing with his son right before he tucks him into bed. You know, the average day.
As he turned out of the parking lot, a young lady came barreling down the hill from his left and clipped his rear end. Okay, it shook him up, but he gathered himself, stepped out of his car to Study the damage, as the young lady got out of her car as well. His left rear end was definitely damaged, and he drives a pretty expensive car, this had put a damper on the good mood he was in, but okay, once the police come and they exchange insurance information, he can go on about his business, it’s not totaled for sure, still drivable, there’ll just be the minor inconvenience of taking his car to the shop, renting a car etc.
The young lady told him she was going to her car to retrieve her insurance info, he turned his back to further examine the damage, and before he knew it, she’d made a U-turn and high tailed it out of there. He didn’t even have time to write down her license plate number, just a description of the car.
So now, he’s left with trying to figure out how to get his car repaired, sure, he could take it to a repair shop, foot the cost of the repair himself as not to have the price of his insurance rise due to someone else’s negligence and being inconsiderate, but even once repaired, the foundation has been damaged, he’ll forever cautiously look before leaving the parking lot even when he knows he has the right away, he’ll find himself double and triple checking. He’ll suspiciously check out any car that resembles hers. Although still happy to leave work daily to head home to his family, it’ll be a while before he forgets how it felt that day to have his car hit, and for someone to not care at all about the damage they left. Her car wasn’t nearly new as his, and it was already a little damaged, so maybe this is what she’s used to doing, but for him, it was a traumatic experience. And the emotional damage from the questions of why, and how someone could do this to another human will always remain.
Back to a time when men called you up and asked you out, and not sent you a DM?
Can we go back to a time when men crushed on you, and Carved out the time to send you little love notes to let you know they liked you? Love notes to you, and only you, not 15 other women via inbox trying to see who’d take the bait.
Can we go back to sitting outside in the park, talking, laughing, enjoying the night, the stars, getting to know one another?
Can we go back to talking on the phone into the wee hours of the night, (you hang up, no you hang up, on 3 hang up), not wanting the conversation to end, smiling so hard that your cheeks hurt, loving the way each other’s voices sound so much that the conversation lingers in your head the entire next day, causing you to smile uncontrollably at the thought of it? 
What happened to the simplicity of it all? Nowadays folks wanna skype, face time, Marco Polo. Men would rather send you a text that says “1 of 15” than to call you. They’d rather send you a peen pic than ask you out where they can sit across from the table and admire you for a few hours.
I just want to throw it back, throw it back to the good ole days. The fun days of “love licks” (well maybe not, they call that abuse nowadays), but the days of knowing without a doubt that someone liked you and only you. The days when falling in love was FUN, not dangerous. Maybe one day it’ll come back in style!!!!
She sat across from her daughter, as the tears flowed, she wasn’t aware of the profound effect that the apology would have on her. she had no idea that she’d been waiting years to hear it. Now they both sat, spent from the release of it all.
See, she’d raised 3 boys (or “men” as she preferred to call them nowadays) in a world that she didn’t’ want to eat them alive. With racial profiling, drugs, peer pressure, gangs, and so many other things that could snatch them up before their 18th birthday, she was able to admit to herself that she may have done a bit more coddling than she should have, she’d done so as a single parent. But they’d all lived to see not only their 18th birthdays but were productive citizens now well into their mid and late 20’s. She hadn’t set a whole lot of expectations on them save for finish school, go to college if it’s in your plans, and promise you won’t run with the wrong crowds, and all 3 had pretty much done those things, the youngest boy even started college, still in school though he’d had a terrible illness fall on him that set him back a few years, he’s now designing computer programs, his major being “Computer Science”. She always boasted about her boys. She was raised in the projects where she’d seen plenty bloodshed in the streets and this was her biggest fear.
Her own daughter was the youngest and somewhat of a surprise as she’d given up on having a girl or any more kids at all. The day her baby girl was born was one of the greatest days she could remember. Her birth was a little dramatic. It was July 2nd and she was out shopping for the boys some 4th of July outfits (we used to do that, too funny), when her water broke in the middle of the mall. She was miles away from home where her husband was, and about 4 counties away from the hospital in which she planned to give birth, with some of her girlfriends. Her car was a stick shift, and neither of them could drive it…. This was going to be interesting. But it all worked out. When she finally made her entrance into the world, she was one of the most precious things she’d laid her eyes upon. She had the most BEAUTIFUL big brown eyes, the oldest soul, and calmest spirit of any child she’d seen up until then. She’d always sit and observe the things around her, she didn’t cry much as a baby. But she asked herself was she ready to raise a young lady when she was still a little rough around the edges? She herself was the only girl of 3 boys, 2 of which she’d pretty much raised, and so many expectations had been placed on her as a little girl. She’d been riding 2 public transportation buses to school by herself since kindergarten and was responsible for her brother only 3 years younger than her for as long as she could remember. Then when she was 14, her mother had another boy whom she ADORED and took on as her own child pretty much…. She knew how to raise boys.
The epiphany had come on a Friday night as she watched tv and there was this special where a young lady had fallen into a relationship with the wrong young man, and she was so afraid of disappointing her mother that she kept a lot of what was happening to herself. She literally sat up in the bed as she remembered that she hadn’t had a really good conversation with her own daughter in a while, she always assumed things were good because she never let on that they weren’t. But there was a moment, something hit her that maybe she hadn’t made it as easy to talk to her as she thought she did. She started to cry, she realized she had set expectations on her that she hadn’t on the boys, that while she was coddling and praising them, she was grooming her own daughter to be too independent, that things she allowed the boys to get away with, she definitely wouldn’t let her. She had set extreme expectations for her. She was harsh whenever she had a question about simple things that she assumed she should know. But why, and how had she become this mother? Why was she so hard on her? It was because of the same expectations placed on her, and in that instance the pang in her stomach was overwhelming, she literally threw up as she’d vowed to never be to her own children, what her mom had been to her.
“We teach girls to shrink themselves
To make themselves smaller
We say to girls
“You can have ambition
But not too much
You should aim to be successful
But not too successful
Otherwise you will threaten the man”
Because I am female
I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that
Marriage is the most important
Now marriage can be a source of
Joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
And we don’t teach boys the same?
We raise girls to each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments
Which I think can be a good thing
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
In the way that boys are
Feminist: the person who believes in the social
Political, and economic equality of the sexes”
So when her daughter came over the next day, sitting there at the dining room table, during their little Saturday morning breakfast date over coffee, she apologized to her. She could tell it caught her off guard. She told her that she was sorry for not allowing her to continue to be that precious baby she’d brought home from the hospital, that she was sorry for expecting things from her at an age when she should’ve still been hugging and kissing on her, she was sorry for not understanding when she asked her simple questions, that she thought that she was doing the right thing by wanting her to be independent, by not allowing her moments of weakness, that every time she told her to “think about it” when she asked her a question, she thought she was preparing her for life as a black woman, where people rarely want to assist you with anything and if you appeared weak, this world would chew you up and spit you out and because instead of her being the oldest she was the youngest and where she lacked her brothers had her back.
Boy, how could she be THAT mother and not know it? Especially when she and her daughter were so close.
The list of expectations she had set for her compared to the boys was unbelievable: Be cute but not too cute, you don’t want to draw the wrong attention, make sure you always smell good, no one wants to be around a young lady who smelled, keep your hair up, people judge that always brush and floss, dress nice but not too revealing, think for yourself, but don’t be afraid to ask questions, don’t smile too hard at these lil boys, they’ll mistake it for something else, don’t have any kids before marriage, matter of fact don’t have sex before marriage, keep your room immaculate (I always cleaned the boy’s room for them), never ask anyone for anything, work for it yourself, cross your legs when you sit down, stand up straight, don’t hunch your shoulders….. I could go on and on. Shaking my head. She sat Forlorn across from her, and they hugged, and she could feel the weight of the world lift from her daughter’s shoulders, and at that moment, she wondered, WHY was she always so hard on her and not the boys?
Epiphany….You’ve always had to fend for yourself. You didn’t know any other way.
One of my 2018 Blogging goals is to feature a fellow blogger at least once per month. I’m going to try for weekly or every 2 weeks. So here goes the first one…
I’m featuring my fellow Blogger “Thatlifeadri” because she’s the reason I have this blog. I’d been wanting to blog forever but felt like I didn’t know where to start. I’d started one a few years back on a different site, and posted maybe twice, but I wasn’t impressed, motivated, nor moved. I had heard of, and even played around with WordPress, but was a little intimidated. I spoke with Adri about it, and she walked me right on through the process. I’d seen her page and was HELLA impressed. It’s so pretty, and girly, and informative, and she even has a youtube channel. She showed me how to add graphics to my page, with texts on them (I’m old yawl, I didn’t know how to do that stuff), she told me the benefits of paying for my domain name. Seriously without her, kitaredd.com would still be a dream.
So enough about me. lol. Adri is VERY creative. From DIY videos and blogs to videos of her CUTE family, and trust me they are cute. She’s very detailed, she did a post around Christmas on how to make an affordable gift bag. It was thrifty but creative and thoughtful. Her writing style is awesome, she breaks everything down simply so as not to overwhelm the reader when giving step by step instructions. Her blog can be found here. https://thatlifeadri.com/ and her Youtube channel can be found here… https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0fViFOoIgLX3gK_jEFrBpQ
Here’s a snippet of her bio…
“About me…. My name is pronounced Audrey-aw-na (not to be confused with the normal way it’s pronounced even though they are spelled the same.). I am a 28-year-old born and bred Georgia girl. (and yes I do consider myself a southern belle) . I am a super awesome wife and mother of beautiful 2 girls (or at least they and I think so lol). My husband and I have been together 5 years but have known each other many years. My daughters are ages 10 and 2. Other adjectives that describe me are……Hilarious, free spirit, nudist, wonder woman, BOSS! HaHa! In all seriousness. I love being creative and I hope that you come here to not only be entertained while learning something new but somehow relate to what I go through on a day-to-day basis in hopes that you see the light at the end of your own tunnel”.
Please check out her blog as well as her vlog, you won’t be disappointed, there is always something new to learn over at “Thatlifeadri”, I know I always do.
Here it is, the 2nd day of the year already (or at least it was when I started this blog post, knowing me, it’ll probably be the 3rd or the 5th before I finish this, but I am), and I’m doing my 1st blog of 2018. Wasn’t really sure what to blog about, but I’ll make it up as I go. The daily post “word of the day” is Reservation, so let’s use it to get my 2018 blogging feet wet.
I’m not going to use this blog to talk about “resolutions”, as I don’t actually make those, I try to set goals or add to my “bucket list” of new things to do. 2017 was a VERY good year, interestingly so. I lived a LOT, and out loud. I didn’t let anything stop me from doing so. I took not only my first cruise in 2017, but I went on 2. One of which was to Cuba. I literally went from not having been any further than LA. in the past 10 years, to going all the way to Cuba. My 1st passport stamp since I was 11 years old. I cruised to the Bahamas as well.
When the year started, I was still in an “on again, off again” relationship (wait…it was more of a “situationship”) that I’d been on again and off again for the past 2.5 almost 3 years. We reached a climax mid-year, and called it off again, but around September, it seemed things were looking up, we were ALMOST there, but it crashed on December 30th, which was completely fine, because I’d already said that I wasn’t bringing the uncertainty of it into 2018 with me, I mean “almost doesn’t count”…right? So it ended, I know, I know, we’re just 2 or however many days it takes me to write this, into the New Year, who knows? I say no, I’m forgoing dating in 2018, so many other things I want to focus my time and energy on. Dating, love, “relationships” or the uncertainty of them all take too much energy.
Anywho, here we are in another year. I have so many things I want to accomplish. I did go 365 days without eating meat and have decided to take it a step further and go totally vegan. I’m excited about learning new recipes, cooking more, seeing even more changes in my skin as well as how my body changes. I plan to start taking yoga, I’ve already begun meditating at home, but I want to join a yoga class. I have a friend who keeps trying to get me to come out and cycle with him on the Beltline here in Ga. When it warms up a little, I definitely plan to. One of the local radio personalities here reached out to me towards the end of last year and talked about me coming on her show a few days out of the week. Fingers still crossed and looking forward to doing that. People say you shouldn’t talk about or tell people your plans before they happen. I am a firm believer in “what is for me, is for me”. So if it’s meant to be, it will. I definitely want to go zip lining this year. I’ve been wanting to do that forever. I already have my 1st trip planned (which is a cruise) at the beginning of February. This time we are sailing to Cozumel. YES!!!!! I’m typing this on the 4th…smh, which means I’ve been Vegan 4 days, and it’s not as bad as I’d thought it’d be. I’m never really hungry and I get full super fast. I do find myself cooking at home more, which is healthier, and financially better as well.
Update on the radio personality contact, I’ll be doing my first segment in the next few days. It’s a spin-off of my “Talk To Me Tuesday” posts I do on FB every week, usually a question that someone has either inboxed me that they’d like me to put out, or something interesting I ran across on the internet. I’m EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!
So to make a long story longer and get this blog out. 2017 was completely AMAZING and I have no reservations about 2018 being BETTER!!!! I’m going to post this one and get started another because I’m behind for my 2018 goals about posting.
I sit down often with plans to write and put out a blog, and usually before I’m done, I’m distracted, and the enthusiasm I began with is now gone. So I just toss the entire blog. I vow to get better with that in 2018, so I’m gonna go ahead and set some blog goals for myself, and post them so that I’m held accountable as I want to take my blogging to the next level. So here goes.
Each month I’ll do a check in on myself to see if I’m staying on track, as well as set smaller goals throughout the months, as far as varying themes for the week.
By June (mid-year) I’d like to have my blog fully functioning, visually appealing, and drawing at least 50 new viewers per month. With all of my social media content matching it and up to date as well.
Eventually being able to monetize my blog is my ULTIMATE goal, right now it’s more for fun and a creative outlet, but hey, maybe I will write something one day that’ll make folks really flock to my page.
So stay tuned, share my posts if you happen to be one of my followers from time to time. I’d greatly appreciate, and CHEERS to a prosperous, promising 2018….
Surfing On A Stretcher